Is the main reason to go to a festival the music? When I went to my first, Glastonbury in 1995, I probably thought so, but I quickly came to realise that a festival – at least for me – is as much, if not more, about all the odd little acts you can see and experiences you can have.

1. As I have said, the first festival I attended was Glastonbury in 1995. Every morning we would head down to watch a band on one of the very small stages. As far as I can remember, the music was in the vein of the Levellers, and the musicians similarly sported dreadlocks and somewhat crusty clothes. Immediately after this act Stompy, a comedian/annoyer of people, would take the stage. His act consisted variously of taking things from people – such as a boot that he filled up with dried coffee from the nearby stall – being rude to passers-by, and doing a set piece to David Bowie’s ‘Starman’, during which he produced a small silver alien from a coffee can and made it fly around the stage whilst we similarly pretended to float about in space. He also delighted in annoying the aforesaid band by calling them ‘crusties’ and similar. On the last day, presumably because they’d had enough, they grabbed him, threw him in the back of their van, and began to drive off. Very quickly the van came to a sudden stop, someone jumped out and ran around to open the back doors, revealing Stompy, hammer in hand, poised to smash their window.
2. At Phoenix in 1996 I spent quite a bit of time in various performance tents, due to the fact the festival was held on an old airfield that offered no shade and it was ridiculously hot. In the morning I’d stroll along to the circus tent to begin my gradual inebriation and take in some of the eclectic acts. The act I remember was a stand-up, compere, all round entertainer type, who delighted in annoying a surly teenager sat in the front row with his parents, and generally offending anyone in sight. At one point he retrieved a child from the audience, placed a large box over him (that had holes for his arms and to see out of), and declared him ‘kid in a box’. After telling this boy that, as ‘kid in a box’, he could act with impunity, he charged him with taking cameras, glasses, hats, wallets and the like from members of the audience. Once the child had carried out this task, our performer took the items, thanked him, and bade him return to his seat, at which point he said, “If anyone in the audience lost anything, that kid took it”, dumped the stuff on said child, and we (as my glasses were one of the items taken) descended upon him. Not particularly funny by all objective accounts,  but very entertaining in the circumstances.
3. I went for a walk around the outskirts of Glastonbury one day, and at one point emerged from some trees to find myself inadvertently in the children’s ‘enclosure’, which was watched by the all-seeing eyes of CCTV cameras. As I was alone and childless I felt somewhat uneasy, then felt uneasy at the fact I felt uneasy. Fearing this could spiral and I would become an actual figure of attention, I quickly left to top myself up.
4. Late one night, prior to a band I wanted to see, I was stumbling around the site in the dark with a smile on my face when I came to a stage with one guy on it and an audience of about six. He was explaining that he was Irish and didn’t drink, which always invokes incredulity, especially at festivals. The act consisted of him telling us how to act drunk when sober, which involved spinning around whilst looking at the ground, then attempting to walk. I have a feeling that his act was designed to entertain him more than his audience, as we were very much not sober and nearly all fell over.
5. There are many festival experiences that could be labelled ‘concerning’ or ‘worrying’ in addition to fun, entertaining and amusing, but all we can do is hope that they turned out okay in the end. A friend and me were once asked by a young lady if she could possible avail herself of our map in order to trace her way back to her tent, although somewhat less articulately as a result of being at Glastonbury, to which we of course consented. However, upon looking at the map she pointed to a location outside of the site and said, “That’s where it is”. Once we had determined that she was indeed camping within the site we attempted to explain that where she was pointing to was very much not, but she insisted that her tent was to be found there. After a while we had no choice but to wish her luck and move on. I hope she was okay.
6. Whilst dancing to Eat Static at Glastonbury’s Glade, I spotted a young lady who must have been at least 6′ 4″ tall, stick thin and highly inebriated; she was swaying backwards and forwards and was held up only due to the fact she resembled a straw in a milkshake, supported by the shorter festival goers around her. At this point, a gentleman of similar stature and intoxication joined the crowd. As I watched, the eyes of these two lengthy individuals met above the heads of their fellow dancers, and they slowly made their wasted way towards each other. Beautiful.

These are just a few of the things that have stuck with me from my festival experiences, and in most cases I have clearer memories of them than of the quality of the performances of the bands I saw. I think this may say more about me than (some of) the bands, but how one has one’s fun is very much a matter of taste.

So, if you’re going to Glastonbury or anywhere else this year, have a fabulous time, and I urge you to leave the main staging areas and have a bit of a good old British explore.